pranayama and emotion

Ok so I wasn't sure if I should post this but you are my yoga peeps and I figured what the heck. On Thursday morning we did a bit more pranayama which had brought me to quite a bit in the past 2 weeks. Well at least quite a bit for me. I had been felling a bit stressed and tired over the last couple of weeks for no particular reason. We are always reminded that pranayama can release emotion and I hadn't experienced a heavy reaction. I had experienced fatigue, wakefulness or just feeling a bit wiggy.

I didn't go to Thurs night's class due to a gymnastics meeting. Well, all the stars aligned for me last night and that interesting effect of pranayama started AT THE METTING. I was having a heated discussion over expense of somethings with a person I don't particularly like (a control freak/dictator/ manipulator with crappy people skills), I was getting a bit angry, and it was about money which is a hot button issue for me anyway especially when I feel that I'm given an ultimatum. None of this was what the meeting was supposed to be about. So I was getting angrier and when that happens sometimes I get emotional. Then of course I was angry at myself for showing that emotion to that person who would see that as a weakness and therefore me as weak. So I tried ending the discussion by saying "Fine you are right" and that person didn't want to be done and continued on. At this point I was near my breaking point and was going to tell that person what a "f'n asshole" I really think that person is while weeping uncontrolably so I walked out. I went home wept and shook, partly becasue I felt like an idiot.

So, this moring I don't feel so stressed but I do feel a bit embarassed and a stiff back (yoga or extra emotion??). It was good to have that warning about pranayama because otherwise I would have thought I was going crazy. My point is make sure you tell your students that emotional stuff can happen and at anytime and try to laugh about it after the fact.

I have to go back there today. Oh well, maybe I'll say I have no recollection of the meeting and wasn't there haha.

welcome to my world

i think laughing it off is the best bet. of course once you have reacted to the emotion (ie. storming out of a meeting) it is too late. you have set some karmas in motion and now you just have to deal with the impact. most likely not a big deal. the real practice, and the hardest practice, is witnessing the emotion as it is arising and recognizing it as an emotion such that you do not have to act on it. you simply sit. quietly. watching the anger rising. watching as your blood pressure goes up and your skin gets flushed. it is so hard to just watch it and hop aboard the emotion-express and go for a ride. but that is exactly what you have to do. you have to soak in it like a bath. you have to be cooked in it like a stew.

that is the only way to go beyond the emotional responses. if you just smile and repress the emotion and insist that you are a peaceful happy person you will just drive the emotion deeper into your system (ie. Q - "why did you punch that person?" A - "I have no idea, it all happened so fast"). if you act on the emotion (ie. yelling) then you are setting an entirely new set of reactions up for yourself (new karmic bonds established between you are the person you yelled at - for example you both will feel some unresolved tension that is sure to result in some unexpected consequence down the road.). repression of and indulgence in our wildly fluctuating emotions results in wildly fluctuating circumstances. if you like wildly fluctuating circumstances (ie. lots of drama in your life) - then its not a problem.

I think I did the best at the time by leaving because I would have told that person off which wouldn't have been good for C and I didn't want to embarass myself anymore by bawling in a meeting. Luckily here were only 7 of us there and not the entire gym. Although today I did have to explain to our coach that no we aren't broke and don't need financial help with gym. HaHa
I also realized that I don't care what the other person thinks. Maybe that person will think I'm a little unstable and think twice about making me mad. ha

How do you sit and watch an emotion when you are involved in the conversation? It was obvious to everyone I was about to crack. I really would have wept right there. I don't mind explaining to the parents and our coach but I'm not explaining to the other person it would just end up at the same point and honestly I don't think I'm emotionally able yet. I still feel what ever it was physically.

"How do you sit and watch an emotion when you are involved in the conversation? "

good questions lead not to answer but to more questions. For example:

how do you observe what is happening in your body while you are doing an asana?

If you are able to do that then you should be able to do the same while talking to somebody who pisses you off, right?

do you observe what is happening with the same part of your brain with which you speak and listen? have you ever had a polite conversation with somebody while the whole time you were thinking "this person has the intelligence of a tire iron - i have got to end the this conversation before i let on just how stupid I think they are"? There is the part of the mind engaged in the conversation, and the part of the mind observing (and even sometimes commenting on!)the conversation.

step one is not take yourself too seriously. if you do then that person in the meeting (you) is very important and their feelings demand your attention and response. If however, that person is a ridiculous accumulation of social conditioning and karmic baggage who is just barely functional on the best of days, then it frees you up to observe at a distance these unfortunate encounters.

Sometimes when I run into a situation, or I mean a person like this, I like to think of the world as "one" or all connected, so is there something about this person or their actions, or their mannerisms, that strike a nerve or that I see in myself, or a part of myself I'm trying to repress or hide? I try to see it as a learning experience within myself, as to why do I react like this to this person (especially when no one else is reacting that way or maybe not as strongly as me). So any chance that all the players were set in motion, and the pranyama and the situation allowed you to express something, release some emotion, or notice something about yourself? If this is too flaky - just disregard....

Interesting questions Roberta. I really cringe to think that I may have some of the same traits as that person or that I'm repressing that trait but you may have something with that question. I'll definately have to think on it.
(I kept coming back to this while trying to answer the other question. So I thought about it. Maybe I tend to get defensive quickly in confrontaion before I think about what's being said like the person in the agrument. I can also be quite stubborn.) Thanks Roberta, I think I needed to think on that.

On your other question, yes I do think I learned something about myself. I'm sure I wouldn't have normally reacted with such emotion(crying) at another time and may have told that person off consequences be damed. Or I wouldn't have said anything and nothing would be done about the issue that bothered me. Afterward I felt very vunerable which I normally don't let people see (or talk about with people who are friends but haven't know me forever) and I relied on these friends to help try and make the point that I was trying to make. I also learned that I was holding onto feelings that I didn't deal with (money stuff) for the past while. I felt more mad at the fact that I wasn't able to verbalize a strong argument at the time and the emotion took over. I also realize that I don't feel humiliated over the incident. That person can think whatever they want about me so I was able to distance myself from that and not hang onto it. Althought, I did want to explain to those friends that I wasn't broke.(more money stuff).

For sure, I did release emotion that I didn't know was there and I did feel more together afterward.
I had been trying to see if there was a particular event or thing that had been making me feel so stressed the 2 weeks before. I just knew I was feeling stressed and in all directions. But after this event in my life I think it was because I hadn't been very grounded. I had spent hardly any time on my own practice and me. It may sound selfish but I have learned that I do need to tend to myself regularly or things so a little squirrely with me.

It turns out that beyond figuring stuff about myself that incident was useful. Our group doesn't have to purchase the item this year, there will be more communication to the parents about when and how these things will be needed and what we wanted in the meeting(the whole reason why that person was asked into the meeting in the first place) will go ahead smoothly for now. So I took one for the team and the whole thing was good. It was the catalyst to help get me back on track even if I didn't know I had come off the track.

wow. You've had a lot going on. Hope things have settled down this week.